An Edvy crack fanfiction
by ElsaBlasters
Summary: Just a random story about Edward and Envy. It's hard to describe really


**Okay, I felt the urge to write a piece of crap so I did XD Anyways, it was fun to write. I'm pretty sure it falls under the "crack" category (if it doesn't tell me). I don't own anything 'cause if I did, it wouldn't be a fanfic now would it? ON TO THE AWESOMENESS!**

Envy hid in the bushes next to the sidewalk, which Edward was walking on at that moment in time. Envy stalked him, while constantly taking selfies and photoshopping them. Envy waited in silence; he was waiting for the perfect moment to make a move. "AFARHGUSTRIWAL!" Envy yelled, in a voice so loud it startled the park bench causing it to jump up and run away. Edward screeched like a girl; whenever he did that, however, it caused him to shrink a few inches. "WAT," Edward said in shock. Envy drew a quick breathe before confessing, "THE TRUTH, CHIBI-SAN, IS THAT…. I AM A PALM TREE AND I NEED YOU TO HARVEST MY COCONUTS!" "I- is that a proposal?!" Edward asked. Before Envy could respond, Edward was swept away by an extremely fast homunculus.

"PUT HIM DOWN SLOTH!" Envy screamed while chasing after him. He just grinned and used the Gluttony-saliva powered rocket boots father made him. Sloth finally stopped at the foot of a tall white building, Edward still slung over his shoulders. A small sound was heard getting closer. Sloth, realizing what it was, threw Edward against the building and waved a small wave 'goodbye' before being swept up in a tsunami made of Ishvalan people. At the top of the tallest building, Kimblee chuckled and said, "Watch as I 'single-handedly' destroy all these Ishvalans! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" "EDWARD! AVERT YOUR EYES!" Envy, who had finally caught up, warned him.

Kimblee was laughing his head off as the "Kraken" (aka a giant nuke) fell from the skies. On top of the nuke was Pride twerking his butt off while screaming, "WRATH! ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?! NOTICE ME SENPAIIIIIIIIIII!" Wrath looked up at him and whispered, "yes, I'm very proud of you son," while crying tears that tasted like salt and acne cleansing solution. Before the nuke came into contact with the ground, it sprouted legs and stormed off muttering, "I'm done! I'm freaking done!" Edward sat his mouth hung open, mentally scarred. "Warned you," Envy whispered smirking and sitting down extremely close to Edward. "It's about to get a thousand times more freaky from here on out." Kimblee's eyes twitched at the failure of his weapon. "I guess I'm going to have to kill the Ishvalans personally," he sighed. He grabbed his shirt, pants, and hat and flung them off revealing a leopard print skort. Envy, hoping to impress Edward said, coolly, "Y'know Chibi-san, I wore skorts before they were cool." Edward didn't pay attention; his eyes were glued to Kimblee, who was now doing the Macarena. Envy growled. What made Kimblee so great? Oh well. I have an enjoyable way to get his attention. Envy grabbed Edward and kissed him.

Edward blushed at this sudden romantic gesture. He was so flattered that he ignored the various shrieks of pain coming from the Ishvalans who had seen Kimblee's dancing. Each person exploded, one by one, until only one remained. "Scar!" Kimblee said in shock, voice raised. Alphonse walked to where Edward and Envy were sitting. "I brought the popcorn," he whispered, taking off his metal head, which was full of popcorn. The three of them watched intently. "You FAILURE!" Scar yelled at Kimblee. Kimblee looked deeply hurt, "What did I do wrong master?!" Scar ripped of his clothing, and of course, he was wearing a purple zebra print skort. "You're still on the Macarena! Everyone else is on the Cupid Shuffle AT LEAST! Just look at those noobs!" Scar pointed at Mustang, Hawkeye, and Hughes's corpse who were performing a fabulous kick line while singing, "He's done it again! He's done it again! Max Bialystock has done it again! We can't believe it! You can't conceive it...etc." Kimblee stared at the dance trio. "I….. was outdone by a corpse?" He fell to his knees, sobbing and laughing at the same time. Envy spoke in attempt to break the awkwardness of the situation. "So are we on a date or…." Envy started leaning close to Edward. "Um, yes? I think?" Edward began. They were interrupted by a drunken Ling who grabbed their heads and forced them to kiss while squealing and singing, "Omigod, omigod, you guys. Looks like Envy's gonna win the prize. If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies! Omigod you guys!" Both Ed and Envy were running out of air, so they struggled against his gorilla-like grip. Envy punched him off the plane of existence. "No one forces me to kiss the sexiest sex-master that ever invented a way to be short and sexy at the same time except me!" Envy turned around and blushed. "I'M NOT SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORT! But, I AM pretty sexy aren't I." They flew into each other's arms as Alphonse transformed into a magic carpet and picked them up flying into the distance, luckily before Kimblee hurdled at the speed of light towards the exact spot where they were sitting moments before. Scar had thrown Kimblee with his magical super wolf dragon cool black powers which caused him to break the ground into thousands of little pieces all traveling at high speeds. Ignoring all the commotion, Edward and Envy kissed and let Alphonse fly them into the sunset.

**Don't worry, you're out of hell now. Any who, hope you enjoyed it. Bonus points for the person who can name the Broadway shows/songs that were referenced ;)**

**Good day to you all!**


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